


You lost (me)

by kinskins



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, Childhood Friends, Crying, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-27
Updated: 2017-09-27
Packaged: 2018-12-26 23:12:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,830
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12068907
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kinskins/pseuds/kinskins
Summary: Seungcheol is reunited with his closest childhood friend.He just really wishes it wasn't at a wedding.





	You lost (me)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [alphabetscoups](https://archiveofourown.org/users/alphabetscoups/gifts).



Seungcheol blinks twice, his smile dying down a little but then he needs to focus on the next guest wanting to shake his hand and giving him a hug, and the whisper of congratulations feels like a whisk of a stormy wind in his ear. 

He really shouldn’t be dwelling on the man who is lining up to say his greetings but the way the oddly calm man cocking his hip out as he stands, waiting, makes Seungcheol feel things he shouldn’t be feeling. 

Not after so many years.

He really should be paying attention to the guests before him, smiling and laughing, gripping his hand for a shake or giving him a hug of happiness. But no, his thoughts start to spin towards the realm of dreams he had tried so hard to push away. His brain offers him a thought of that maybe the person is not the one he thinks he is but who Seungcheol is kidding, really. And then, in a blink of an eye, he is there, right in front of Seungcheol and their eyes meet and that smile is mind-blowing like it has always been, like Seungcheol remembers it to be. 

Seungcheol isn’t so sure what to do or say, his mind and body freezing because fuck, what you would really do when you see your closest childhood friend in front of you after more than two decades of not calling or writing or anything. But there Lee Jihoon is, smiling and his hand it still smaller than Seungcheol’s and the grip is tight, steady. 

And the touch still does wonders to Seungcheol: the hold of Jihoon’s hand takes Seungcheol away to his memories he has tried so hard to forgot, to those moments when he so desperately wanted to cling to hold his friend’s hand. 

Seungcheol hopes he is not shaking but he can’t be sure. 

Jihoon smiles and says something but Seungcheol doesn’t really hear it, the statistic in his ears dulling away everything going around him. 

And when he blinks, the moment is over, Jihoon is moving away and the next guest behind him is demanding Seungcheol’s attention and he is again swept into the swirl of congratulations and handshakes. It still takes a moment or two for all the guests to say their hellos and when Seungcheol again tries to locate Jihoon, the short man with black hair is lost into the crowd.

Seungcheol can’t shake the thought of Jihoon away and some instincts must kick in because soon he locates him, wandering around the area (to Seungcheol it looks like he is trying to hide behind the people, the nervous habit he had when they were young too). Seungcheol’s eyes follow Jihoon as the man nods and smiles sweetly at the waiter who gives him the glass of sparkling wine for the toast.

Seungcheol almost drops his own glass as he reaches for it, the bride laughing at him. He is so lucky that the best man gives the small speech to congratulate the newlywed couple and the happy cheers fill the air and he lifts his own glass, smiling, trying really hard not to fake it too much. He watches like in a slow motion how Jihoon throws back his drink and he himself almost misses his own mouth. He hears a laugh, again, and gives a pointed look at Jiyoon who just smiles sweetly, winking, eyes darting to the direction Seungcheol knows Jihoon is. 

And that is it when he knows. 

Jiyoon, his own daughter, has invited Jihoon. 

Not that he had anything to say to the guest list, it’s not him getting married; he is just the father of the bride. But it’s still mystery to him how Jiyoon even knows Jihoon and why he is invited, was he at the church, did he took part in the portray picture. Seungcheol didn’t spot him among the crowd but then again, he wasn’t expecting him to be there.  
Seungcheol is pulled inside the venue and he almost blindly follows the crowd, trying… what really, fall behind and talk with Jihoon? But that’s not really an option now that the food is supposed to be served soon so he needs to find his seat which is easy enough to locate next to Jiyoon’s godfather, who gives him a look.

“You saw him, right?”

“Yeah, did you know?”

Jeonghan sips his drink, leaning onto his hand, giving him a look Seungcheol can’t quite read. Seungcheol sighs, shaking his head. “It’s not really the point if you knew or not…”  
Jeonghan licks his lips. “Your daughter wants you to be happy.”

Seungcheol’s face hardens and Jeonghan groans. “You are just so fucking stubborn, aren’t you?” 

“Jeonghan…”

“Yeah yeah, I know, fuck, I was there.” Jeonghan hisses, crossing his arms across his chest and rolls his eyes. “But it was ages ago.”

“But I would have really appreciated if I didn’t see him here, at the wedding!” 

Jeonghan swats his arm because apparently his voice has risen and groom’s parents are looking at them questioningly. Seungcheol smiles at them apologetically and when he turns to Jeonghan, the other man is making a point by totally ignoring him and is chatting with someone at the other side of him. Seungcheol sighs.

Now that he doesn’t have Jeonghan to distract him, it doesn’t take long for him to spot Jihoon who is seated couple of tables away. And now that he really looks at Jihoon he notices that the man looks healthy, his smile is a bit shy but it is genuine and Seungcheol’s heart feels like bursting, the warm dullness spreading on his chest.

He isn’t so sure if he is happy about the fact that Jihoon looks well-slept and well-fed and happy but at least Jihoon hasn’t been dwelling into the past too much, right? 

The food is served but Seungcheol barely touches his when he is pulled into a chat with Ilhoon’s parents. And for a moment he almost forgets Jihoon. But then he is urged to stand up and give his speech when he realizes that he kind of has a straight vision line to Jihoon and the man is staring right at him (like everyone else is but it’s different). 

Jihoon’s look isn’t any sort of bitter or judging, nothing sort of even if it feels like years worth of regrets and bitterness is poured over Seungcheol when Jihoon’s lips curve up a little into a humorless smile.

Okay, maybe his sweet little childhood friend is a bit resentful towards him. Seungcheol doesn’t blame him. 

The speech goes surprisingly well after Seungcheol gets kicked into a shin by Jeonghan and he concentrates on staring at his daughter and her husband, grinning while talking. His speech is well received and he sits down relieved, and not really even trying to avoid Jihoon’s gaze. It happens naturally, him seeking the approval of the other man. 

The look on Jihoon’s face is hard to read, the smile isn’t as radiant as it was a moment ago but it’s enough to fool anyone but Seungcheol. 

Seungcheol’s attention moves to Jeonghan who stands after the best man’s prompting and Seungcheol licks his lips nervously. There is something in the way Jeonghan moves away from his seat that Seungcheol knows something is up and he isn’t probably going to like it. 

“I don’t have a speech prepared for you darling but something way better.”

Jiyoon grins and grips Ilhoon’s hand excitedly when Seungcheol hears a chair to be moved and he suddenly feels like the air leaves his lungs and it’s suffocating and hard to breathe. 

“Everyone, maestro Lee Jihoon.”

There is a collective gasp and someone squeals out loud. Jihoon just smiles professionally as he walks to the piano and Jeonghan fishes out a sheet of paper from his inside pocket. Seungcheol wishes he could tune out the beautiful piece of music filling the venue but he can’t.

He had always known that Jihoon would pursue his career in music and it hadn’t been surprise to him to hear Jihoon’s first album hit the top 10 in less than a week. He had been so proud of his friend at that time and supported him through his career, secretly thou; they didn’t talk at that time. And it hadn’t been one of best ideas but he once took Nayoon to Jihoon’s concert. And seeing Jihoon play now takes him back to Jihoon’s old room, way back to the time when it all was still a dream to achieve, Jihoon hunched over the set of keyboards, fingers flying over them. 

Oh how he had loved to watch Jihoon do what he was really passionate about. Oh how he had loved to whisper words of encouragement and adoration in Jihoon’s ear, making the boy giggle after a stressful pre-recital breakdown.

Jiyoon is in tears after Jeonghan finishes his song and the duo gets an enormous round of applauses. Jeonghan gives him a smug smile and Seungcheol has to admit that yes, a song was way better than just a speech. Seungcheol tries to avoid looking at Jihoon when he walks back to his seat but he can’t help but let his gaze follow his steps.  
Jihoon avoids meeting his gaze.

Cutting the cake goes without disturbance of feels hitting hard because Jihoon seems to again hide behind the crowd and Seungcheol hogs the camera to capture the cake cutting moment. He fools himself to think that he doesn’t snap one or two photos of the general audience, just to zoom in where he spots Jihoon hiding. 

After the cake it’s the time to mingle and chat the night away with the guests and Seungcheol does just so; he just avoids Jihoon. It’s really ridiculous how they dance around each others, avoiding any sort of contact. It’s easy to fool yourself into thinking that you don’t care but Seungcheol catches himself looking for Jihoon, sometimes with a hint of panic when he can’t find the other man right away. 

Seungcheol also avoids his daughter because he doesn’t know what she would say or what he would say. Jeonghan is still sneering at him rebelliously so he doesn’t even try to make amends with him. It leaves Seungcheol to chat with other relatives and Jiyoon and Ilhoon’s friends. And it’s not bad but he knows he is running out of the time. Seungcheol cries when the newlywed couple dances their first waltz and he is still sniffing when it’s his turn to dance with Jiyoon for the father-daughter dance. And that’s when Seungcheol knows they will probably end up talking about Jihoon. He doesn’t bring the topic up because he wants to enjoy the moment with his daughter without regrets. 

In the end Jiyoon herself brings Jihoon up to their conversation. 

“I was so surprised by their song,” she says after the moment of silence between them and Seungcheol hums, gulping. “Ah, Jeonghan and… Jihoon’s, you mean?”

Jiyoon beams at him. “Yeah! So you do remember him!” She swirls under Seungcheol’s arm as the song ends and Seungcheol tries to locate someone who would dance with her but she grins, wide, tugging him away from the dance floor. 

“Father, I have been mean—“

Seungcheol groans, interrupting her because he fears what is about to come next out of her mouth. “I have told you not to call me that, it sounds so old-fashioned.”

Jiyoon’s eyes twinkle and she pats his arm. “But you are, old.” 

Seungcheol can’t help but smile sheepishly but then, like a malicious disturbance of fate, a movement of Jihoon yet again catches his attention. Jiyoon notices it too and turns a bit to see what he is looking. 

“Oh! Have you talked to him yet?”

“Why is he here?” Seungcheol fires back and his daughter rolls her eyes at him. “To reminisce of course!”

Seungcheol blinks at her, his hands now taking a hold of her hands. “What?”

Jiyoon looks like he is asking a stupid question and she shakes his hands a bit. “He is your best friend, right? I’m still surprised he sang with uncle Jeonghan and not with you! I don’t understand why I haven’t met him before, why have you hidden him? To think my dad has a famous person as his best friend!” 

“My… what?” 

His face must give away something because the look on her face changes and the grip on his hands tighten. “Dad? You look pale, are you okay?”

“How you know about him?” Seungcheol asks instead, almost snapping and Jiyoon’s face falls. Seungcheol recognizes the look on her face from the time she was still young and behaved badly, and he feels instantly horrible and smiles a little bit, trying to calm her. She spills it all, how she found the box hidden in the attic, all the photos and pictures and music sheets and Seungcheol’s heart freezes. 

The box shouldn’t have been there, he made sure to get rid of it. 

Names like Jiyoon’s late mother and Jihoon’s… what, boyfriend? partner? producer? the fuck Seungcheol knows? pierce like needles in Seungcheol’s dull mind as Jiyoon chatters away the story of the box and how it took some time for her to figure out who Jihoon was and where he lived and then her husband had suggested surprising him. 

They had invited Jihoon on a whim mainly, not really expecting to get an actual yes as an answer to join the wedding party. 

Seungcheol wishes Jihoon had said no. 

He doesn’t know why Jihoon had said yes to coming to the wedding of a daughter of his childhood friend who he had barely seen in ages, and who had broken his heart. 

“Dad? I’m sorry…” 

“No, Jiyoon sweetie, it’s not… you… I…” Seungcheol doesn’t know what he should say because it’s not her fault, how would she know that there is so much more things hidden under the pictures and photos. 

Like so many firsts exchanged in darkness of a night.

Like subtle judging when Seungcheol had whined he had wanted to hold Jihoon’s hand and how that socially structured judging had pulled them apart.

They had been freaking twelve.

They don’t talk much after that and soon enough Jiyoon is pulled back to the dance floor. She casts a worried look him but Seungcheol puts on a smile to reassure her and he is left alone. 

He gets ambushed by couple of his late-wife’s sisters and he entertains them for a while before he is left truly alone, lights dimming and most of the relatives are leaving, waving their goodbyes to him, leaving the youngsters to pull out the wines and vodka shots they have been saving. 

Seungcheol thinks he should probably go soon too, wondering if he should take Jeonghan with him. He would brutally interrupt him because the other man is dancing with someone Seungcheol doesn’t recognize but then a movement on left catches his attention. 

Jihoon approaches, holding a shoe box in his hands. 

Seungcheol’s laughs out loud and Jihoon snorts as he sits down next to him. 

“I’m so sorry about my daughter. She doesn’t know what personal businesses are.”

“It’s okay”, Jihoon hums, putting the box in between them. Seungcheol gulps and wonders if he is brave enough to open it. 

Jihoon is yet again the braver of them. 

He pulls the lid open and lets out a small giggle. Seungcheol watches him to pull out a first picture, smiling at it. Seungcheol just watches as Jihoon pulls picture after picture out of the box, pictures of full of colours and staggered letters, spelling mistakes here and there. There are pictures of houses and cars, birds and something Seungcheol doesn’t even recognize. 

Jihoon gasps suddenly and Seungcheol lifts his eyes to see what he has pulled out of the box. 

It’s a picture, kind of ugly drawn but it is still obvious: two figures, one taller, one smaller, pink hair for the shorter figure, they are holding hands and their names spelled out by Seungcheol’s own handwriting. What probably got Jihoon gasping was the small hearts drawn around the figures. 

Seungcheol is a bit surprised that his mother saved the picture. She had been the most keen to destroy every trace of Jihoon after the Lee family had moved away.  
Jihoon breathes in and the picture in his hands is trembling a bit. 

“I heard your gallery is doing well.”

Seungcheol snorts and wipes the lonely tear away from his cheek. 

“Yeah, a big exhibition is opening up soon. I have been so busy with it.”

Jihoon nods and puts the picture on the table, straightening it under his palms. 

He blinks hard and Seungcheol watches him to look up, like trying to hold back the tears. Soon enough he shakes his head and turns his focus back at the box. Seungcheol already knows what is going to come up next so he isn’t surprised by a pile of photos in Jihoon’s hand. Jihoon starts to go through them, snorting and giggling, and Seungcheol really wishes he could look away but the small smile forming on Jihoon’s face keeps his eyes rooted: he doesn’t want to miss a moment of happy Jihoon.

The photo pile has photos of them on Seungcheol’s first day of school. Jihoon had cried his eyes out and snot had been everywhere on his face just because he couldn’t have joined Seungcheol. There are photos of Seungcheol showing off his school books and then the day of Jihoon’s first day at school, photos of them at the school yard, photos from school trips and festivals, Jihoon looking awkward in sport days until he grew up a bit and took up the basketball with Jeonghan. There are photos from birthdays, cakes thrown and smiling faces. 

One of Seungcheol’s favorite photos is the one from when Jihoon had turned ten and they pretended not to know what day it was and the shock on Jihoon’s face when he had stepped into their shared garden shed and there had been a surprise party waiting for him.

“Man, we were inseparable”, Jihoon chuckles, breaking the silence between them. Seungcheol hums and Jihoon puts the photos aside. He takes a deep breath before he peeks into the box, shuffling around the remaining music sheets. There are songs they wrote together and those Jihoon wrote and some that Seungcheol was responsible for, and those, the ones Jihoon knew nothing about.

There is a beat of silence before Jihoon lets out a ragged breath. Seungcheol on the other hand holds his breath in. 

“This…” Jihoon wiggles his hand between them…” whatever this… is… this conversation is so overdue.”

Seungcheol almost snorts but he settles for a nod and Jihoon takes a deep breath, praising himself. 

“It’s so funny how we didn’t really manage to keep the contact with each other but I assume you knew about me because of Jeonghan and vice versa.”  
Seungcheol hums. “He was good at keeping me updated what happened in your life. And I assume from the duet you sang f-for… m-my daughter, you are quite close?” Seungcheol hates himself for shuttering but Jihoon just hums, nodding. 

“He keeps whining how annoying you are.” 

“I am probably a master of annoying him”, Seungcheol grins but Jihoon’s smile doesn’t reach to his eyes and Seungcheol licks his dry lips. It’s not that easy to keep the conversation going and good-hearted, like all of sudden they are two totally strangers who don’t know anything about each others, like they didn’t use to share silence just by laying next to each others.

Seungcheol stares somewhere at the dance floor, not really paying attention to what is going on there and who is dancing with who. Jihoon is fiddling the photos on the table in front of him. Seungcheol licks his lips again, wondering if he should start being honest. 

“I did love you quite a lot, you know”, Seungcheol whispers.

Jihoon’s hands still and Seungcheol watches him to aggressively bite down on his lower lip, breathing out angrily: “And yet you married her.”

“I was just… lost.”

“Lost like how your mother kept my calls from not getting to you and lost like how my letters returned?” Jihoon snaps and Seungcheol wonders if Jihoon had known it all from the beginning. How his dear parents (rest their souls in peace) had deterred him or Jihoon from keeping the contact in fear of their son being a gay. His mother had confided in him when she had been too sick and wanted peace to her soul. 

“I do love you.”

Seungcheol blinks and Jihoon takes a breath in, bracing himself and then turning to fully towards him, staring straight at him. 

“I never could stop loving you. Fuck, I tried so hard but…” Jihoon fidgets with his fingers and Seungcheol has an urge to take a hold of those delicate pianist’s hands but he is frozen to his seat.

“I didn’t understand it really, at that time or even before we moved away, why your parents would do that. But to be honest, my parents didn’t explain a thing, not until I barked in the house on a holiday weekend with, surprise mom, dad, this is my boyfriend!” Jihoon’s voice is giddily high but not humorous at all and Seungcheol presses his teeth together at the mention of Jihoon’s boyfriend of that time. 

“It was only years later, fuck, mom sat me down after that and…it wasn’t like my parents ever tried to set me up with girls, I was just a loner until collage where I met Jun but… no one really explained what a first love feels like, you don’t know until it’s…” Jihoon snaps his mouth shut before he could finish whatever he was about to say and Seungcheol purses his mouth into a thin line, waiting. 

“And she sat me down and asked what I remember of you and our friendship and fucking shit I was a mess.” Jihoon rubs his face with his hand and Seungcheol sees the signs of a breakdown but he is rooted to his seat: he deserves to hear the hurt he put Jihoon through.

Jihoon snarls suddenly, his face in a ugly grimace. “Do you remember… I tried to call you.”

Seungcheol remembers it. It was after he had graduated from college, met Nayoon at the gallery he was interning and he had texted Jihoon how much he loved him out of nowhere a day after the engagement (not his best decisions either). He hadn’t answered when Jihoon had called right back. 

Jihoon’s laugh is hollow.

“And the next thing I knew you were getting married, fuck.”

Seungcheol doesn’t know what to say but now that Jihoon had started, there is no way of stopping him from talking. 

“Did you know that I was there? At your wedding?”

Seungcheol blinks at him. “You were crashing my wedding?”

Jihoon snorts and rubs his eyes, ignoring Seungcheol’s attempt to joke. “I was hiding behind the damn pillar at the church and watched you to get married to a pretty girl and I was truly happy for you, you looked so happy at that day.”

Seungcheol remembers his wedding day and Jihoon is right, he was happy. He had accepted his fate as Nayoon’s husband and he had accepted the fact that he could fall in love with her. She had been so pretty and sweet and it had been an awesome day, really, a good party. (She had hidden very well that she had been fatally ill already at that time, cancer surprising all of them.)

Would it have been different if he had known that Jihoon had been there? Would he have walked away from the altar and run away with Jihoon? 

It’s too late to wonder now. He had broken Jihoon’s heart anyway. 

Seungcheol doesn’t know what to say to that and Jihoon doesn’t seem to expect him to say a thing. They stay in silence, watching people dance and chatter away around them.  
Seungcheol licks his lips and asks: “was… it before or after the invitation you agreed to be Jeonghan’s pianist?” 

Jihoon snorts. “Way before. Jeonghan is a fucking cheat and the plan was just to play and leave but then the invitation came and I… wanted to… I don’t even know. I wanted to make you realize what you had lost, maybe.” 

Seungcheol’s heart breaks into so many pieces he isn’t sure he can never ever mend them together.  
All things considered he shouldn’t be surprised the fact that Jihoon is mad at him for years worth of pain. But somewhere deep down Seungcheol had wished for Jihoon’s forgiveness. 

“But that backfired so fast I don’t even know why you still have this affect on me. You know I’m not good with new people or making friends and when I make friends, they are there to stay for the life time?” Jihoon continues and now he is crying, the fat tears rolling down his cheeks, leaving stains.

“And you were my best friend and then you fucked me up so badly. I mean, okay I could blame your parents but you could have acted differently and not hide!” Jihoon snarls, his hands twisting. 

“It wasn’t that easy!” Seungcheol tries but Jihoon just waves his hand. “Please, spare me from the pity ride of you suffering under your parents’ eyes.” Jihoon’s tone is mocking him and Seungcheol gulps down the words of his mother offering dates with her friends’ daughters all the time. 

“I’m sorry”, Seungcheol whispers instead and Jihoon growls angrily. “That’s all you have to say?” Seungcheol shrugs and Jihoon stares at him, eyes wide and Seungcheol knows he should be explaining himself but what he could really say to make Jihoon feel better? Nothing. 

“You didn’t want me to recite the times when my mom asked about pretty girls or my dad thinking art is a gay thing to do and…I… I don’t know what I could say to make you feel less shit so… I’m sorry is all I can come up because I’m sorry for… all the shit.” 

Jihoon squishes his eyes shut and Seungcheol is sure the other man is regretting coming to the wedding. Shit, Seungcheol would have so appreciated meeting Jihoon anywhere else than here at his daughter’s wedding. 

“Do you think we could meet up later?” The question slips out of his mouth before he can stop himself and Jihoon’s eyes snap open. Seungcheol holds his breath when he waits Jihoon’s verdict.

“What?”

“I mean, this… I… shit.” 

“Yes, shit. You didn’t want to meet or see me for years, not even after your parents were dead and you name your child as Jiyoon. Would it have been my name if it had been a boy?”

Seungcheol opens and closes his mouth but nothing comes out and Jihoon laughs tiredly.

“You are full of bullshit Choi Seungcheol. But… “Jihoon turns towards the papers lying on the table. “…maybe I could forgive you somewhat.” Jihoon stares at the photos before he picks up one and thrusts it inside his pocket before Seungcheol can see which photo it is. 

“And maybe we could meet when you stop, I quote you, being lost. Have a fucking blast.” 

With that Jihoon turns and starts to walk away from him. He never turns back no matter how hard Seungcheol prays him to. But then again he doesn’t do a thing to run after him. Seungcheol doesn’t notice his daughter before Jiyoon grips his hands almost painfully and it pulls Seungcheol back to the reality, and the very solid memory of Jihoon sitting at the back of the car, face scrunched up, tears staining his face, fades into the dazedness of his mind.

“Dad, do you remember what you asked when Ilhoon asked to marry me?”

Seungcheol laughs because he has no idea why she is asking so absurd question out of nowhere and nods. He can already feel the burn of tears in his eyes. Jiyoon smiles, that gorgeous smile of her, and the first teardrop falls from Seungcheol’s eye. 

“You asked if I was sure about this, if I was ready to marry Ilhoon. I said I was because he made me happy and that he is my soul mate.”

The grip of her hand tightens.

“Dad, did you marry your soul mate?”

By now Seungcheol cries like there is no tomorrow. He can’t answer to that. He couldn’t stain Nayoon’s memory because of what would come out of his mouth. He learned to love her and even if they weren’t perfect, their marriage was something beautiful, Jiyoon was born out of it and—

“Dad.”

Seungcheol blinks and Jiyoon’s hand is on his cheek, wiping away the tears. She smiles gently and Seungcheol knows she knows a lot more than she lets on. 

“Go to him. Go to your soul mate.”

**Author's Note:**

> This was my fifth idea for the prompt and if I had more time I would have sorted out the time line and back story better but here we are and I hope it makes sense and you like it!


End file.
